REVIEW: THE PUMPS PIN-UPS present LADIES OF THE DEAD

"Last Caress" by Aubrey Roemer. Intentional or not, I love Misfits references.

No contest, Halloween is the best holiday of the year, if not for the actual day-of celebration, for the multiple weeks of Halloween-related events we can all enjoy. Apart from Zombiecon, Ladies of the Dead, featuring the Pumps Pin-Ups performing spooky burlesque, has been my favorite event this season.

With Pumps (a casually awesome Brooklyn strip joint) decorated with gnarly cobwebs and macabre artwork, the Pinups performed a variety of songs, skits, and dance numbers, ranging from campy to genuinely creepy. Before detailing the performances I have to mention Aubrey Roemer’s amazing art, with photography of undead Pinups printed on old quilts. There’s a gentle, quiet eroticism in her print series, combining the calm of a midnight cemetery with the carnality of an old Jean Rollin film.

Once the show began, it was time for co-hosts Joey Nova, playing a Vincent Price-esque millionaire, and Heidi Glum (recently voted Washington DC’s top drag queen), playing his devilish wife, to really shine. Recreating the plot of House on Haunted Hill, picture Nova and Glum as Gomez and Morticia Addams, then remove the undying love. The plot: Survive the night in Pumps, receive a massive sum of money.

The performances that followed allowed the Pumps Pin-Ups to share their talents, assets, and eventually, exquisite deaths. It played like a Russian Roulette talent show, where fates are determined randomly, with tragically low chances of survival as the performers are poisoned, shot, stabbed, strangled, and harmed in numerous other ways that arouse creeps like me. Little by little, each performer closed in on the fortune promised by Nova, but the suspense was largely due to the crowd’s anticipation of clothing removal. Honestly, it took the crowd a little while to loosen up and it was sepulcher-silent for the first few numbers, so instead of a chronological review like usual, I’m going to focus on each performer that left a bloody handprint on my memory.

Sunny de la Vega, apart from warming the crowd up with graceful pole-dancing, also took part in the most unsettling song of the night, as one half of a wind-up toy dancing team with Alyssa Calypso. She seemed to levitate as she danced, and makes everything seem deceptively easy. She had a smile for everyone, and anyone who appreciates the pleasure of watching exceptional dancing and form had a smile for her too.

Speaking of Alyssa Calypso, she had the performance of the night with a werewolf-themed striptease and dance routine to a Lon Chaney-sampling dubstep song. The crowd howled as she revealed her werewolf-hair pasties and tail beneath her Red Riding Hood costume. It was funny, unfairly sexy, and received a huge ovation from my fellow lycanthrope lovers in the audience. Nova quipped at the song’s close, “Well, I guess someone got some tail.”

Spanx Sinatra, whose vocal talents light up every event, shared some impressive improvisational skills to match her pipes. Playing characters ranging from a gal mourning “her broke as fuck unemployed musician boyfriend” to a pouty deceased child to a lounge superstar, she showed dynamic range and a gift for tongue-in-cheek self-aware humor. She also nailed singing “The Truth,” giving it Prohibition-era class. You ever see mug shots of criminals back in the 20s? They look snazzy as fuck.

Scarlett la Rosa, apart from being the director of the show and the captain of the Pinups, also delivers memorable music performances at every event. Unfortunately her customized version of “Mack the Knife” occurred while the crowd was still sleepwalking in the beginning. Shame too, because that song is the one of my favorites and ranks as one of the coolest songs ever written. Still, her show design was fantastic and filled with old-Hollywood glamor and kitsch, along with doses of Rocky Horror mischief and sleaze.

Three other dancers that totally owned the stage were the lovely Sophie Von Z (performing a really fun marionette-inspired routine with supporting help from tattooed beauty Rose), Sinister Shabzz (who looks like nothing, including a zombie outbreak, could rattle her as she dances with focus and confidence), the awesome Ariel Wolf (dancing to Redbone’s “The Witch Queen of New Orleans” as a white-clad voodoo priestess torturing an anatomically-correct doll’s genitals), and Sandra, who is hands-down one of the most seductive dancers I’ve seen, and could inspire the dead to rise, in every meaning of the word.

I can’t forget Rocket Shippes, also a great MC, who spent the night playing Boris, a drunken, bearded Soviet sailor who sees the homicidal plot unfolding. One of my favorite moments of the night belonged to Boris, unsoberly bellowing/death metal growling “Only Fools Russian” to woo Heidi Glum. It was a demented, no-holds-barred performance that may have been fueled by vodka, but anyone who has seen Rocket perform before knows that a drunken bearded sailor is pretty much her spirit animal.

While the show certainly felt disjointed at times, with some delays and occasional screeches of feedback, there was a charming sense of lunacy abound, with great quips from Nova and Glum keeping the action moving, and silliness permeating the sensual, gothic proceedings. It was a night of surprises and clashing imagery, from the dangerous crypt setting contrasting with the warm, welcoming smiles of the bodice-wearing bartending tandem of Kat and Vanessa, to the soundtrack of screams and chainsaws melting into the soothing blues of a graveyard lounge club. Simply, and homicidally said: Aubrey Roemer and the Pumps Pin-Ups killed it again.

Follow the Pumps Pin-Ups over here on Facebook for future events: https://www.facebook.com/PumpsPinUps

And check out more of Aubrey Roemer’s amazing work here:  http://www.aubreyroemer.com/wp/

ART: AUBREY ROEMER

I've had the pleasure of attending two art exhibits showcasing Aubrey Roemer’s work before burlesque shows at Pumps in Brooklyn, and it’s my pleasure to share her work with my readers here at Mister Growl. With dynamic use of color, bold use of texture, and even recruiting the Pumps talent as models for a recent series, I was blown away by the skill and vision on display.

(PRO TIP: CLICK PICTURES FOR A LARGER  VIEW.)

Aubrey had the following to say about her work:

“My work consists of a mixture of painting, photography, and printmaking combined with sculptural tendencies. Thematically, the work centers around figuration that blurs into subtle abstraction. Additionally, ornamentation and patterning play a crucial role. Conceptually, I am interested in the place where highbrow and lowbrow art merge ­- a place where a used household textile is repurposed as a vehicle to lovingly portray an exotic dancer masturbating. The “jolie laide” aesthetic is integral in my work. I find disturbing and off-kilter beauty far more compelling than something merely pleasantly pretty.

 

“My painted surfaces are highly textured. I spray, stencil, gloss, wax, draw, wash, rub, blot, and smear paints, I prefer them tactile and visceral. In lieu of canvas, I often employ domestic fabrics, dirty dinner napkins, old lace curtains, used bed sheets, etc. as my chosen surface. Likewise, my photos are digitally rendered to the point where they transition into pixel paintings ­ they become otherworldly. Suffering from a severe case of chromophilia, my palettes are intense and diverse.

“My work is based upon real life people, places, and things that embody the idiosyncratic nature of our existence. Whether they are oozing obesity, dark lonely houses, death row inmates, or exotic dancers, each image is a kaleidoscope of humanity -­ a unique example of our collective cultural fabric. My process is equatable to a director casting roles, rather than an artist appreciating form with a virtuous paintbrush or camera. I reinvent my subject’s existence, placing them in a realm of delicately lush colors and textures. There, they can glow, shine, pop, sparkle, shimmer, crumble, or retreat into darkness.”

Many thanks to Aubrey for sending us plenty of amazing work to choose from! Between her use of black-light paints, dedication to outcast portraits, and even her photograph series (dead girls), her work would be great for metal band merch or album art.

Check out her official website for information on prints and more artwork: www.aubreyroemer.com

And check out her Tumblr to look inside the creative process: http://aubreyroemer.tumblr.com

REVIEW: PUMPED UP - A BACCHANALIA by the PUMPS PINUPS

Last week I handed in a review of a recent metal concert to the editor-in-chief at Decibel Magazine. I was asked to describe 4+ hours of music and moshing in 450 words. While that was a challenge, the real kicker was that when I attended the show I wasn’t aware I’d be reviewing it later. This lead to many (MANY) beers beforehand. I’m proud of the final product, but I have no doubt my journalistic skills were severely corroded with each $1 PBR/shot of Jack I enjoyed over at Duff’s.

When I arrived at Pumps, the “anti-gentleman’s club” of Brooklyn, I was entirely dedicated to staying sober and reporting the events with unrelenting accuracy. Several empty shot glasses of Jameson later, here are my notes regarding the second performance of the Pumps Pinups, the burlesque ensemble lead by show director/creator Scarlett la Rosa. Some may be out of chronological order, because there was a strange whiskey stain (I hope?) on a few of the pages:

It’s 8:45 PM, I’ve perused the assortment of sexually-charged artwork (curated by the talented Aubrey Roemer) featuring blacklight paints, and I’m sipping a Bud while Jesse McCloskey’s charcoal drawing of a seriously unhinged witch stares at me from the wall.

Kat, who befriends everyone within thirty seconds and one smile, bartends the event with the lovely Vanessa. Kat tells me she’s “way ahead of me” and has downed several shot of Patron. She declines taking a shot with me, but changes her mind about fifty seconds later. Vanessa grimaces as she joins for a shot, with orange nails glowing in the dimness.

The girls take the stage and they’re breathtaking, all writhing against the three poles positioned on the stage. Scarlett la Rosa belts out a gentle version of Guns ‘N Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine” with piano accompaniment (from Dom of the band Air of Ants). The hardcore band I drummed for in high school used to cover the song as well, but without the grace and originality.

Spank Sinatra summons the spirit of Jessica Rabbit by way of Etta James for a smoky, seductive version of “Why Don’t You Do Right?” Jessica Rabbit was my first crush, and it was deeply tragic when I learned I could not date, marry, or fuck a cartoon senseless. This song just reaffirmed my love for that bad girl, even if she was just drawn that way.

Gypsy Nyx follows with two smoothly sung songs, “Burlesque” and “All That Jazz,” while the smirking and exceptionally strong Harley Quinn stuns the audience with acrobatic pole dancing. Gypsy owns an effortless sultry confidence and sounds like she’d be perfect for a James Bond theme song.

Sophie Von Z  dances with the dangerous appeal of a Prohibition era speakeasy back room striptease. Transports me to a time where I need to whisper a password through a hole in a brick wall to a scarfaced lug in a fedora to earn entrance. Luckily, liquor is easier to come by now, and entrance to see Sophie Von Z is a modest $7 cover charge.

Spank Sinatra returns to the stage, declaring after some banter with Rockett that her drug of choice is “dick.” She launches into a crowd-pleasing number I will refer to as “I Want To Be Fucked By You,” a song that fills the air with howls, whistles, and (allegedly) semen. Pure brilliance, an ode to submissive sensuality and a blunt injection of libido that shows sometimes innuendo is totally overrated.

Shanlita Bandita graces the stage for the first time as a recently dumped dame swallowed by depression after her scumbag boyfriend left her at a liquor store. She haunts the stage with a flask and a solemn trench coat before attempting the world’s first suicide by water pistol. Luckily for all of us, her aim is horrible.

Sophie Von Z dances for everyone’s communal enjoyment again, in a new golden Romany-inspired outfit with a transparent black cape. It’s a more exotic performance than her previous song, and makes me hear the distant chimes of finger cymbals and ankle bells. She sizzles, all eyes locked on the stage.

Scarlett la Rosa breaks hearts with a gorgeous red over-bust corset. Maybe I’ve frequented too many Renaissance Festivals, maybe it’s my days as a high school goth, but corsets kill me every time. She nailed the mysterious femme fatale quality that made “Sooner or Later” so hot in “Dick Tracy.” Plus, she totally out-sings Madonna.

Shanlita Bandita gleefully comes back to the stage after her successful therapy: Discovering the joys of “returning to her white trash roots” with the pleasures of boxed wine. She dances with pep and passion, rocking platform converse sneakers with clear heels that seem nineteen inches tall. She ends her energetic highlight performance by drenching herself in wine from the box’s lecherous nozzle. It was like “Flashdance” for alcoholics.

More to drink. Harley Quinn in a (crotchless) cat outfit, wiping up the white wine from the ground. She also purrs across the bar top, gathering donations for the girls. I don’t know why men have a primal attraction to women dressed as cats. I tell my girlfriend I think all men are inherently open to beastiality because of this. She says that makes her nervous about us both sharing a pet cat. Shanlita shares the box of wine with adventurous audience members. The wine tastes amazing, which signals I am thoroughly blitzed. While the stage is being cleaned and swept, the blue-haired head-banging beauty (and co-MC) Rocket Shippes pleads, “Get that broom away from me, I’m horny.”

Ms. Quinn (who Rocket claims “puts the Bang in Bangladesh) charms the audience with an erotic calm and a punk rock aesthetic. Heavily tattooed and pierced, the ladies to my left both take note of how striking she is and talk at length about her appeal. I don’t hear much besides a murmured blur and a few key words because I’m too busy staring.

Spank Sinatra again, and she keeps outdoing herself. This time it’s like she crept into my morbid fantasies and mined it for images. She comes to the stage with dramatic skull make-up, looking like the attractive female version of Papa Emeritus from Ghost B.C., which doesn’t sound like much of a compliment until you realize I’m a huge metalhead. She destroys the crowd with a macabre version of the Screamin’ Jay Hawkins classic “I Put A Spell On You,” a song that burns with sex appeal and has never sounded more fiery. Her performance is hotter than a long fuck in a moonlit cemetery.

Pumps owner Andy walks through the crowd and reluctantly accepts applause as Rocket destroys with one of her many viciously awesome one-liners, saying, “He’s done more for us than our dysfunctional fathers.” He’s just as happy letting the girls have the whole spotlight, despite the success of the event in his venue.

Despite some audio issues, first-time Pumps Pinup Bianca Dagga sways in a red skirt before treating the eager crowd to a striptease. She ends the performance by igniting the ends of her pastie tassels and swirling them in a perfect ring of fire that’s way hotter than anything Johnny Cash ever sang about. Huge applause ends the show, everyone’s smiling, more drinks ordered.

This show is a helluva lot of fun. I understand not everyone is as open-minded or sex-positive, but this is celebratory entertainment and a true art form. There was no creepy leering, no heckling, just a crowd totally on-board with pretty girls using their various talents to make everyone smile and go home happy. If you read my interview with Scarlett la Rosa, then you know they all achieved exactly what they wanted. I have no doubt they will overcome the mild technical glitches and obstacles they faced during the show and delight everyone with another performance in the future. This is definitely the sort of creative spirit that made New York/Brooklyn a destination for artists and artistic expression. You can wander into any Starbucks and meet a dozen writers (who haven’t actually written a word of that masterpiece novel they talk about every day for years at a time), or you can wander down to Pumps for these occasional burlesque nights and experience singing, dancing, comedy, stripteasing, photography, and cutting edge artwork all in the same evening. This is why art thrives in communities. Make yourself a part of it, because even audiences are participants.

Follow the Pumps Pinups on Twitter: @PumpsPinups

And check out the Pumps page on facebook for more information: https://www.facebook.com/pumpsbarbrooklyn

INTERVIEW: SCARLETT LA ROSA of the PUMPS PINUPS

Hello, creatures. A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of attending the first variety show by the Pumps Pinups, a group of burlesque performers affiliated with the Brooklyn anti-gentleman’s club Pumps. I wrote a brilliantly worded review HERE. I was luckily able to catch up with the show’s founder/director Scarlett la Rosa and ask a few questions about their upcoming show (June 23rd, more details after the interview) and her views on burlesque. Read ahead for all the finer things in life: Love, laughter, and dangerously gorgeous dancing girls.

Mister: What has been your experience and background in the world of burlesque before becoming director/founder of the Pumps Pinups?

Scarlett: My experience in burlesque is none! However, At 3 years old I was already begging my mom to let me take dance lessons, and being amazing, she obliged. I recall never wanting to take off my costume till I absolutely had to go to sleep!  So sequins and fringe have always made me happy. Then I began performing in musical theatre at 9 years old. I studied at the Boston conservatory and got my BFA in musical theatre, with a voice concentrate. I have always admired and respected dancers, and the female body. My wonderful, dearly departed grandpa was an artist...he did a lot of landscapes, still life, and beautiful charcoal nudes which I remember being enamored with. He always taught me that the nude body is a work of art, and instilled this in me. Falling in love with singing jazz, and seeing these talented girls dancing made a little lightbulb go off...actually, my boyfriend Greg planted the seed. I researched burlesque, sang in one show downtown with Joey Nova, and I was hooked. I thought, why not bring together the three things I love most! Jazz, musical theatre, and beautiful dancing girls! I went to Andy (owner of Pumps) with this idea and he was thrilled!  He supported the girls and I 100%, opening the club on Sundays so we could rehearse, giving feedback, etc. I then realized why not incorporate art as well!  Knowing Aubrey for years, having posed for her, seeing her portraits...I realized she could really add another level to the show. And to bring visual art was to honor my Grandfather Joe as well!

Mister: Choosing a burlesque stage name is a serious decision. How did you decide on Scarlett la Rosa?

Scarlett: I have always identified with the color red, and felt it defines my personality. It's a strong sexy color, and the name Scarlett la Rosa is basically "Scarlett the rose" in Italian (the background of my artist grandpa, and my grandma Rita). My grandmother had a rose bush outside and roses make me think of her always.

Mister: What performers have inspired you most?

Scarlett: The first burlesque performer who I saw live was the beautiful Nikki le Villian. She is the epitome of old hollywood glamour, and really puts thought into her performances, doing very traditional burlesque, belly dancing, she dances with snakes even!  I saw her and said, "I wanna be her when I grow up!" Other performers: Dean Martin, Liza Minelli, Alan Cummings (I modeled our MC Harix and much of the show after his performance in the revival of "Cabaret"), Gene Kelly, Fred and Ginger, Donald O'Connor...and of course I grew up listening to Frank Sinatra every time I was at Pop-pop (Grandpa Joe) and Mom-mom (Rita)'s house, gazing at the beautiful nudes while the smells of Sunday "gravy and macaroni" wafted through the house. All of these things and people are the backbone of my inspiration for the Pumps Pinups.

Mister: Each Pumps Pinup has such a unique, distinct style. How would you describe your performance style or approach?

Scarlett: Thank you for noticing! I purposely chose a wide range of girls and really instructed them to find their own "character" and become it!  I would say that my style is sultry and tongue in cheek. I have chosen sexier, traditional jazz songs and also modeled my outfit (hat, little blazer) to compliment Harix and Rocket, and to emulate one of my favorite styles of dance, Fosse. Burlesque can be flashy, which I love. But I've chosen Scarlett's personality to have a "less is more" approach. But expect surprises to come!

Mister: The show on June 23rd will be modeled after last month's debut. What sort of changes should those seeing it a second time expect?

Scarlett: I would like to keep the same formula, and build upon it. There will be some of the same songs, and many different....mostly just the beginning "intro" will remain almost the same..but a new group number is in the works and I'd like to have more comedy between the MCs. There is still a "story" to everyone's character, which I want to really concentrate on keeping because I feel that it's what makes this show a bit different from other burlesque that's happening right now.

Mister: Some people who haven't seen burlesque picture it as some seedy backroom sleaze-fest. Could you describe what the art form means to you?

Scarlett: This is my favorite question. I guess I kinda answered a lot of this referring to my grandpa and growing up with art all around me. But burlesque to me, celebrates the body and sexiness. It's all about showmanship, glamour, and comedy. It’s, to me, the ultimate form of entertainment if done in a true fashion. There is a documentary called The Best of the Burly Q which really inspired me while working on this project. Burlesque started really taking off back in the depression, when men were working and sometimes trying to sell vacuums every day, or what have you. At the end of the day, when as one of the women said in the movie...if he had a nickel in his pocket, at least he could go have a laugh, and see a pretty girl dance. She also said in that time, there wasn't much laughter...but if you fell into one of those shows, you'd definitely have a smile on your face and a hard chuckle! This is why I love this art form. And also why most wonderful theatre comes out of bad times. At the end of the day, don’t we all just want to smile, hear good music and see some pretty girls?

Mister: The show will follow an art exhibit featuring the work of Aubrey Roemer. Could you just share a few thoughts on the artwork that will grace Pumps' walls?

Scarlett: Oh Aubrey!  That's my girl. She really understands how to capture the soul of the people she paints, which is why I love her work. I think this time around, she wants to continue and elaborate. We may have more artists involved, I think there will be more black, white, gunmetal, gray...girls emerging, if you will, from the shadows. The first exhibit was all about glowing and colors...this will give a other feeling...like being in a black and white film. Her work has the dichotomy of grit and class that I want to portray in our show, so it's a perfect collaboration.

Mister: What's your strangest burlesque story and your favorite memory?

Scarlett: My strangest memory! And perhaps most embarrassing!  But I'll share because that's what this about...not taking yourself too seriously. I was asked to sing with Joey Nova (a well known burlesque MC) for a Christmas show. We were to do "Baby, It's Cold Outside,” great old school holiday jazz song. I thought "piece of cake!" I don't know about you, but every time I've thought that, a disaster occurred!  It's really not a piece of cake song, in that it is quite repetitive, with small word changes. I totally blanked on lyrics! I don't know what, if anything, started to come out of my mouth!  Well, that's show business. The show must go on!

Fondest memory...well of course, the way all of the Pumps Pinups pulled it together. This was most of our first time at the opera, and nerves were flying, at times attitudes in full swing, our dress rehearsal the week before was scary!  But at the end of the day, we all really came together and knocked it out of the water. Costume mishap? Spanx Sinatra took out her iPhone and busted out a jazz standard while Rocket found her headpiece! As we left the night of the dress rehearsal, I said to Shanlita Bandita, "Well, we're just gonna do this thing." She said, “Yea. We're gonna do the fuck out of it!" And I think we did! I'll never forget that moment.

Mister: What do you have planned for the future of the Pumps Pinups? What are your short and long-term goals?

Scarlett: Goals...well I really like to think big. I really wanted to use the name Pumps because the significance is huge. We all met at pumps, this wouldn't be possible without Andy and his beautiful wife Kat, who, by the way, was Mama on the day of the show. Pulling out bras and fishnets and eyelashes from her store downstairs, making last minute costume alterations, and generally calming us all down. Anyway, I stray. If it wasn't for their support and time, and their belief in us, we wouldn’t be here. So I plan to continue this show monthly, perhaps talk about touring and recording some of the songs, really getting us out there. I’d say within a year I'd like us to be extremely well known not just in Brooklyn but everywhere. I'd like to feature different vocalists and musicians, I'd love for people to say, "I'm getting to perform with the Pumps Pinups!" I'd like to really break the mold and show that burlesque, music, art, and theatre are all connected. I want to make people happy and for them to come and lose themselves for a couple hours!  Leave your troubles at the door!

Many thanks to Scarlett for taking the time while they’re fiercely working at choreographing their new numbers! As promised, here are the details for the show:

Date: Sunday, June 23rd

Art show: Doors open at 7 PM.

Pumps Pinups: Show starts at 9 PM.

Location: Pumps, 1089 Grand Street, Brooklyn, NY 11211

Cover charge: No official word on admission price yet. Last time it was $7, and as always you should plan on bringing money for drinks, tips for the awesome bartenders, and donations to the Pumps Pinups to promote their sexy brand of entertainment.

For more information on Pumps check out the website here:  http://pumpsbar.com/ 

REVIEW: PUMPS BAR

Mister Growl doesn’t yelp, let’s get that straight. Yelping is a sound too sissified to come from my masculine vocal cords. I have been known to yawp, however. My personal “Yelp” ban left me with only one possible course of action after recently visiting Pumps in Brooklyn: Write about the city’s only rock’n’roll strip joint on my metal blog. It’s not like my friends and fellow headbangers would mind, I mean strip clubs have been an important element of rock excess for 30 years. Where would Mötley Crüe be without strip clubs? And where would we all be without Mötley Crüe, besides maybe just a smidge happier and a lot more sober? As a non-ironic fan of clubs, especially ones with character and rock attitude, I will even excuse Crüe’s entire discography if it means one more place like Pumps in the world.

Pumps is tucked away on a dreary stretch of road that Bushwick seemingly doesn’t want to claim, so people started calling it East Williamsburg. There’s broken glass on the sidewalks and foreboding factories leering down at pedestrians until the glow of a neighboring gas station lures patrons closer, like that famous dock light from The Great Gatsby that Baz Luhrmann will recreate using atrocious CGI. The locale is not hip, it’s not fabulous, but it’s the exact quiet walk you need before and after a trip to a strip club to think of The Greater Truths. The ten minute walk (if you have short legs) from the nearest subway is perfect for an internal monologue about how the stigma of these establishments is just a hypocritical view of “evil” capitalism. Truth be told: Strip clubs offer a service. If the service does not interest you, move on. No need to demonize the patrons, the owner, and especially the workers. Everyone’s gotta make a living. I’m lucky enough to make a few bucks writing about metal albums, and those are the cleanest dollars I make. My day job is no better than someone shedding a little clothing to a song off ...And Justice For All.

Which they do at Pumps. I walked in with Metallica’s “One” playing loudly and three topless dancers performing in front of a long mirror, creating the illusion that the venue is twice the size. After the initial M.C Escher mirror mind-trick I was able to take in the layout: A long bar with 2 female tenders sliding drinks to eager customers and one long aisle to walk behind the stool-perched patrons lining the counter with a narrow lap dance lounge separated from the main room by a curtain of beads. Two beautiful motorcycles hang from the ceiling with assorted rock/sports related posters and knick-knacks decorating the walls. The dancers take turns twisting around two poles, leaving one to freestyle against the mirror or on the floor of the platform. There’s a refreshingly blunt streaming neon sign over the bar reading “If you don’t have money take your broke ass home!”

Which takes me back to this being a service. Remember, most services cost money. I don’t know what your job is, dear reader, but I assume you would not do your job for free, unless you’re a lowly intern, which means that you have all my sympathy. Unless you wander into Pumps without the ability or desire to spend some money, then my sympathy dries up like a mummified vagina. There’s no cover, which is awesome and increasingly rare, unless you get some glossy postcard for a Times Square strip club and enter a place before 7PM, which I’m not against but will definitely limit your ability to accurately enjoy the full splendor of any establishment. Beers are $7, stronger drinks are $10 or so. The bartenders live off of tips, as do the dancers. After each song the dancers on stage will stroll around the bar, say hello, and ask for a sign of your appreciation, which is a dollar amount of your choosing, as long as it’s one or above. Some will gripe about this practice, as there’s usually more distance between seats and the stage, affording customers less anonymity and privacy. I personally love it, and it makes the experience more personal and closes that gap between performer and patron. This is a small place to begin with, so it’s not like you’re gonna find a dark corner and camouflage yourself to ogle without detection. Cough up some cash and treat everyone right, which includes polite tipping and staying respectful. Lap dances are available for the standard $20, but the dancers are not topless, which I admit is a bummer. Still, if you want some conversation and friction this is a promising opportunity. You’re also welcome to buy a dancer a drink if you’d prefer more conversation and less friction, and they will usually opt for a $20 glass of champagne. These prices are pretty standard for this industry, so if you’re rolling your eyes at them you have my permission to stay at home and peruse the internet for nudity, which should take an exhausting .6 second Google search.

The staff of dancers is eclectic but leans toward Suicide Girl territory, with body mods abound and Manic Panic hair moving brightly in the black light. Still, if you’re searching for a certain body type or ethnicity they are very likely represented on a weekend night. All of the dancers were very friendly, offering chit chat if it was sought, or vaster discussions about art if you pay for their time. I won’t mention any names (since aliases mutate regularly in this business anyway), but the staff in general were fun and laid-back, cracking jokes about their Catholic roots while Rage Against the Machine blasted in the background.

One extremely talented performer, a dark-haired beauty named Mia, invited me to a Pumps-hosted event later in the week featuring an art exhibit and a burlesque show. I used to frequent Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School over at the Slipper Room, my favorite burlesque joint in the city, so the union of art and burlesque is totally my jam. I will cover Aubrey Roemer’s dynamic work soon as a featured artist on this blog, so stay tuned for that, because it features the Pumps Pin-Ups.

Anyway, I’m one of those annoying guys who is fifteen minutes early for everything, including the art exhibit. The Pumps owner (or manager, unsure which) was kind enough to not only open the doors to me, but give me a drink on the house for being the early bird eating the fuck out of the worm. He then said, “If you were wearing a Pumps shirt I’d have given you two beers.” I was wearing the Down “smoking Jesus” shirt. Frowny face. Still, little gestures like that are what make a business part of the community, and it did not go ignored. The burlesque show was sassy fun, showing off the singing/dancing/teasing talents of the Pumps Pin-Ups with smiles abound. Burlesque is one of my favorite forms of entertainment and they nailed the mischievous, playful tone that makes it so appealing.

I definitely recommend Pumps to anyone seeking a gentleman’s club experience more in line with my own blue collar working attitude. Scores may get all the Yankee players, and they can keep ‘em. Pumps get the rockers and metalheads who stop by Duff’s and Saint Vitus, though the clientele is diverse as well. I see Pumps as a positive life experience, one that discards the bells and whistles of polished, upscale clubs and succeeds with quality talent, personality, and a playlist that rocks harder than any other club in the city. It may not be glamorous and it may not be the Vegas strip, but I know Crüe would approve, and they’re pretty much the Roger Ebert of strip club opinions and insight.

Get more information on Pumps over on their site, including the address and happy hour times (with $4 beers, which is totally solid):  http://pumpsbar.com/